As I drove from Manchester to Nashville on the evening of Thursday, June 10th (the first night of Bonnaroo), I began to think of all the witty, snarky comments I wanted to make when I sat down to write this post. That day, over two months ago now, I was bitter with disappointment and my stomach churned with hunger. Most of my snark has died and now I'm just left with some, hopefully helpful, insight tinged just slightly with frustration. This post isn't even barely funny. Still, a long time ago I promised a blog on Bonnaroo...and tonight I shall deliver.
Things I learned by NOT going to Bonnaroo
1) Don't Go Alone.
It’s not being pillaged or plundered that has me concerned. Festivals mostly evoke a community vibe and people look out for each other. The real reason you need a friend with you is because you’re going to need someone to watch your back while you pee in the woods. After seven hours of waiting in my car, I was still 16 miles from the entrance gate. There was no guarantee that I wouldn’t be in my car waiting for another seven, possibly fourteen. As a matter of fact, I had a sheriff tell me that waiting 14 more hours was actually extremely likely. The movement was sporadic and both the car in front of me and behind me held people who were just as antisocial as I was. I had to pee, but there was no way I’d trust my car to a complete stranger while I ran off into the woods like so many other people. I also knew that if I abandoned my car long enough to pee, there was a good chance that if the traffic began to move again, people would go around me. I was too stubborn to let that happen. A friend could have covered me if I wanted to pee closer to the car or could have been in charge of rolling the car a quarter mile down the road while I ventured into a cow pasture. By myself, I was miserable and soon delirious. It was not a pretty sight.
2) Go Early
I’d read on a message board that people who showed up before the opening time would be turned away. For this reason, I planned out my journey so I would arrive exactly at 7 a.m. Except tens of thousands of people didn’t read that message board and had gotten there hours before I did. If I ever go again, I will go early.
3) Putting Your Cooler in the Back of Your Trunk=Not as Smart as You Think.
In an effort to save gas on my 6 hour drive down to Manchester, TN, I pushed my massive cooler to the back of my trunk, over my rear wheel axle. I took Physics…I know a thing or two about weight distribution and I knew this was the best move for the long journey.
What I didn’t consider was the hours-long wait once I got to the line at the entrance. It took me three tries and one eighth of a mile to clean out the rest of my trunk enough so that I could pull my cooler forward and get out a cold Dr. Pepper and a package of crackers. Not only did this make me more irritable, but it also turned my once organized car into a disaster zone of epic proportions. I’m still finding stuff that I tossed carelessly out of my trunk and through my sunroof. Things rolled all over the place and hid from me…only to reappear each time I slam on my breaks.
4) Don't Tweet About Your Horrible Experiences
At the time, ranting to the entire world about the unpreparedness of the Bonnaroo staff seemed like a great idea. But coming back home to a dozen “It’s worth it!” replies made me want to gouge my eyes out. Was it worth it? I’ll never know. But I do know this: Twitching (Bitching + Tweeting) didn’t accomplish anything. No one from Bonnaroo apologized and sent me any of my money back. All that really came to be was a bunch of replies that made me homicidal. Not cool.
5) Don't be Afraid to Change Your Plans
Those seven hours were the worst seven hours of my life. Far worse than the 18 I spent on a train from New York to Ohio. Even worse than the 3 hour plane ride from New York to Ohio when my mother was in the hospital. I’d been promised amazingness! I’d been promised that if I showed up early, I would get turned away. So I showed up on time and was punished for that, as well. I was hot and my blood sugar was low. The more time I spent on line, the more shows I missed. It was an awful way to start my first ever festival experience and I knew it would taint the rest of the weekend. I sold my ticket for about half the price, got off at the nearest exit to get some McDonalds and then spent the night hanging out in Nashville. It was definitely the right choice for me.
That's all I've got for you tonight! Don't ever say I don't keep my promises!
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